Before I existed but now I live

PREFACE/AUTHOR’S NOTE

This book reveals all the past events of my life, the experiences that I have gained, the lessons that I have learnt, those moments where life pushed me backwards , when everything seemed to go in opposite direction in response to my every action. There was only one person who not only truly understood me but supported me , even though it might not have been a great deal for her but for me it is something more than anyone could ever do for me. Passing through various stages of life we together proved to be true survivors in our own way. We had survived in the times when there was darkness all around and we were forced to fall on the ground, no matter how tough it had been for us to continue living our lives free of any worries “We Dared”.. and this courage enabled us to live rather than just exist.
“Before we existed, but now we live.”

THE DEDICATION

Hereby, I am dedicating this book/memoir in the honour of my very best companion, to whom I have been in contact with for a year or so .Who did not only produced a change in my life but gave it a real meaning. Whose challenging nature , realistic thoughts and perspectives somehow transformed my own thoughts and opinions bringing positive upturn in them . The support she provided me with her defensive capability , the love and care she rendered to me (whenever I needed it the most),those deep and meaningful quotes she shared with me in times of despair to uplift my saddened soul , in fact every other deed of her urged me to become successful by transforming the biggest dream of my life into a reality ,apart from all those worries that seized up my mind. By being in her company (there were some in differences but it did not mattered ) gave rise to my talent, letting my inner colours to burst out .Not only this she herself takes great interest in poetry and had written variety of them .Being inspired by this, I myself wrote a number of poems about which you will get to know further in this book .Maybe I might not
have been able to return her the favour for whatever she did for me intentionally or unintentionally. This book I am bestowing it to her as a memory.
She has been my guider my advisor, the best loving and caring companion anyone could feel lucky to be blessed with, to whom I always turn up to during tough times .This dedication is a symbol of gratitude towards you , My friend Rida,

FOREWORD

You eat, you drink, you sleep, you repeat. Have you ever done something productive? Is your life and your goals restricted to yourself only? If you haven’t tried to do something other than for your own good then you must read this book putting aside all your queries and difficulties on one side ,try to reach out for your goal . Consume your precious time in doing something useful/valuable for others for your beloved nation and indeed for the entire world one day.

INTRODUCTION

I was born on 27 may 1997,in a Syed family, Karachi, Pakistan. I belong to an ordinary family .I am an amateur writer ,in other words you can say that I prefer writing in order to highlight and improve the on goings and drawbacks of the society ,moreover, to forward my message which is hard to deliver as in the form of a speech .”Words have the power to destroy and heal at the same time.” My upbringing shows that it had been carried with a lot of effort and care. My parents always taught me to respect everyone in order to gain self -respect which is important for a dignified character. In my opinion they mad every possible effort to preach me in a manner acceptable to both “Deen and Dunyah” (The religion and the world).I am grateful to them for providing me with a suitable yet balanced environment in the developmental phase of my life even though they passed through great hardship ,which helped me to built up my character and prepared my mind in such a way that it could be able to take appropriate decisions in the future by easily differentiating between “right” and “wrong”. Apart from this, from the very
beginning I was an anti-social type of person who did not preferred or hesitated to socialize with people and share my thoughts and opinions infront of them .I remember during my childhood ,whenever any sort of guests arrived at our house I used to rush up to my bedroom at the very instant after opening the door to welcome them inside, slightly lifted the curtains to one side and used to peek outside from the gap of the window to observe what was happening outside. Though I wanted to meet the guests ,get involve in their conversations like my other family members did but I do not understand what stopped me from doing so? _lack of communication maybe one of the reasons or I was confused rather afraid seeing lots of new faces that most of the time made it hard to start a conversation. The most interesting part that I would really like to share with my readers is that in my early days I was afraid of socializing since I lacked confidence but now when I have somehow developed self-confidence the selfishness, the unpredictable harsh attitude, betrayal, dominancy and other similar attributes of the people surrounding me hindered to converse with them. Hence, these atrocities are the reason for which I am still fearful to face others.
When a positive change is required to revolutionize the undermined system of society ,being mainstream and going along with the people of society who are not concerned or eager about bringing a change is something fallacious ,so sometimes its alright to go solo instead of collaborating with the society if it is for a good cause .Despite of all the differences that most of the time created bridges between me and the society ,I tried my level best to assimilate, understand and strengthen up myself so as to gain crucial position .Throughout the process I made it sure that I do not lose my dignity and capabilities which are the plumb line of a strong character basically for achievement of desired goals.

Living in a so called “Democratic” country where democracy is just a meaningless term though widely spoken ,its existence is nowhere to be found. What could be more relentless than the dead bodies of the innocent people scattered around openly on the roads without being rescued, surrounded by flashes of cameras and a crowd of news reporters busy in the coverage to attain the rating of their respective channels. Ashes of burning fire
spreading all over transmuting the “City of lights “ into “City of darkness”, people crying badly over the loss they had suffered from due to the massive destruction and sudden upheaval. Tears filled with shame combined with a mixture of revenge and deep sorrow used to accumulate at the corner of my eyes . What else can a “powerless” person of my age not having any type of support or platform ,do to help innocent lives so that they do not suffer ?Of course nothing at that particular moment ! Except for breaking up from inside letting tears to fall on the ground .The only option left to minimize the feeling of distress was to pray, to ask God Almighty for his blessing and mercy upon the citizens.
This type of reaction on these incidents made me realize that the love for my nation is simply pure indeed free of any malicious factors in between which probably includes narrow mindedness, selfishness and cruelty. The only thing I crave for my beloved country (though it is not exactly what I expected it would turn out to be ) is its betterment ,development in almost all fields/sectors ,so it just not rather appear on the map but have a strong and crucial position globally.
Although I do not possess angelic nature obviously but to be honest, I am neither too close to the religion. It does not mean that I do not follow religious principles, I try my utmost to order my life in accordance to Islamic teachings . One thing I cannot put up with or you can say I am strongly against is that people who instead of discouraging wrong doer’s they themselves under the influence of them gets involved in the wrong activities carried out against the religion. Therefore, encouraging, appreciating the unacceptable deeds is just not right. “Wrong is wrong if everyone is doing it, right is right if no one is doing it”. Praising wrongdoer’s by accompanying them for any of the reasons is one of the example of malpractice that is responsible for the evilness taking control over surrounding.

I will be sharing my experiences I gained during my entire life and other various drawbacks of our society which are not only stopping us to live our lives peacefully according to our religion Islam but it is also ruining up our lifestyle. Not only this, you will get to know what true love is all about and how it can affect the
I rather chose to spend the rest of my life being isolated; the state where you are free of any kind of worries and problematic situations to deal with. As the time passed I realized that it was pretty hard to carry on living like this keeping all the tough stuff to yourself hence burdening the soul. At that moment placing everything aside that kept on bothering me , I decided not to spend my future life hiding in a cocoon .Instead I looked forward towards having a few but trustworthy people in my life who could help me (whenever needed) without harming my self- esteem, who could bring about a new in me without letting me to become dishearten ,who could accept me for whoever I am apart from knowing my flaws and weaknesses, who could not only accept me but accept whatever I give them for the sake of receiving inner peace and indeed for the sake of Allah’s happiness. From that day till now I am applying this self-designed formula in order to live a successful life. ”Give it till your last breath as you will go bare handed when you will die, without any of your possessions”.
The other possible reason for being an anti-social person is that my thoughts, opinions and ideas are way too different from the general masses because of the rebellious nature I have .
When a positive change is required to revolutionize the undermined system of society ,being mainstream and going along with the people of society who are not concerned or eager about bringing a change is something fallacious ,so sometimes its alright to go solo instead of collaborating with the society if it is for a good cause .Despite of all the differences that most of the time created bridges between me and the society ,I tried my level best to assimilate, understand and strengthen up myself so as to gain crucial position .Throughout the process I made it sure that I do not lose my dignity and capabilities which are the plumb line of a strong character basically for achievement of desired goals.

Living in a so called “Democratic” country where democracy is just a meaningless term though widely spoken ,its existence is nowhere to be found. What could be more relentless than the dead bodies of the innocent people scattered around openly on the roads without being rescued, surrounded by flashes of cameras and a crowd of news reporters busy in the coverage to attain the rating of their respective channels. Ashes of burning fire
spreading all over transmuting the “City of lights “ into “City of darkness”, people crying badly over the loss they had suffered from due to the massive destruction and sudden upheaval. Tears filled with shame combined with a mixture of revenge and deep sorrow used to accumulate at the corner of my eyes . What else can a “powerless” person of my age not having any type of support or platform ,do to help innocent lives so that they do not suffer ?Of course nothing at that particular moment ! Except for breaking up from inside letting tears to fall on the ground .The only option left to minimize the feeling of distress was to pray, to ask God Almighty for his blessing and mercy upon the citizens.
This type of reaction on these incidents made me realize that the love for my nation is simply pure indeed free of any malicious factors in between which probably includes narrow mindedness, selfishness and cruelty. The only thing I crave for my beloved country (though it is not exactly what I expected it would turn out to be ) is its betterment ,development in almost all fields/sectors ,so it just not rather appear on the map but have a strong and crucial position globally.
Although I do not possess angelic nature obviously but to be honest, I am neither too close to the religion. It does not mean that I do not follow religious principles, I try my utmost to order my life in accordance to Islamic teachings . One thing I cannot put up with or you can say I am strongly against is that people who instead of discouraging wrong doer’s they themselves under the influence of them gets involved in the wrong activities carried out against the religion. Therefore, encouraging, appreciating the unacceptable deeds is just not right. “Wrong is wrong if everyone is doing it, right is right if no one is doing it”. Praising wrongdoer’s by accompanying them for any of the reasons is one of the example of malpractice that is responsible for the evilness taking control over surrounding.

I will be sharing my experiences I gained during my entire life and other various drawbacks of our society which are not only stopping us to live our lives peacefully according to our religion Islam but it is also ruining up our lifestyle. Not only this, you will get to know what true love is all about and how it can affect the
lives of the people bringing such changes in them that were never expected that they would occur in their personality.

2004=> I was there standing on the entrance door of my class , hands were shaking involuntarily , eyes were startled glancing over each corner of the room.

Obviously, it had been a new experience for me , it seemed as if I was lost in the “Valley of new Faces”, rather looking like a tourist who had been lost and is seeking for his/her desired destination . I was still standing there thinking how would I be able to interact with these ‘new faces’? A girl like me who preferred being isolated and living in her own thoughts just because she finds the people around her are somehow artificial(everyone has their own mean in whatever they do). Maybe I had chosen the right path and had known before at a very little age that how cruelty, evilness and harshness of the surrounding people would destroy me –my capabilities hence making me enfeeble.
Locked up in such deep and mixed up thoughts a drop of tear rolled down my cheek as my teacher approached me and gently asked me to have a seat beside a cute little girl who herself seemed nervous. After all, seeing my classmate passing through similar situation made me feel a little bit comfortable than before
.As soon as I realized that I was not the only one who was afraid of entering a new phase of life other kids of my age were the ‘victim’ of this nervousness too. As the time passed shortly, I had been somehow successful in making new friends though their interests and thinking level differed from mine. Most of them were busy telling ghost stories to each other and all ears were concentrated on those stories even when they do not exist. I was there sitting quietly laughing out loud in my heart and wondered how people could easily believe on these type of self-made stories ? Some of them used to boast about the new doll house that they got as a present, I know these things attract girls but still I did not enjoyed listening to whatever they said to describe their belongings. If someone asked me, about the book, I had read recently then I had surely answered them with great interest. I did not focused on this anymore as everyone has their own interests it’s you who have to compromise and listen to others as well so as to respect them. As far as I remember, I had been considered as the most disciplined child who usually did not get distracted by her peers. Monitors were assigned to take care of students in the absence of teacher and write names of those students who
misbehaved in the class and until grade V, my name did not appeared once. My teacher appreciated me on behaving well in the class and promised to gift me extra marks in the progress report .These little appreciations by my teacher encouraged me a lot to, therefore enabled me to take righteous decisions in the future . Likewise, I passed on through different grades; no drastic change appeared in my personality and attitude except for the following that have been shared below .
When I reached grade IV , most of the teachers who taught us were new . There was an English teacher Ms.Yasmeen ,who really helped me to overcome shyness and tried to develop self-confidence which was lacking in me .
She understood me and tackled me in a very appropriate manner.
As I had discussed before, the content of shyness in my nature had been the biggest obstacle between the path of success. Though I had been a bright student and carried enough knowledge about the respective subjects, I did not usually participated in the class discussions. I definitely knew the answer of the questions teachers used to ask us but I remained quiet
listening to what others have to say about that. My talent did not get a chance to be represented in front of everyone as a result of this.
To overcome this my English teacher during her class used to make me stand and read the novel in front of the entire class. It became a part of routine so I practiced reading, avoiding common mistake students usually make. Gradually, I saw improvement in myself as the content of shyness started to decrease. Group discussions, pair work and other related activities were organized to encourage children to make use of their abilities they possess.


Secondary school=>
Time flew in a blink of an eye . Promotion to secondary school meant entering in a different phase of life. Those eyes which used to weep for not getting favourite sweet or a toy, now bedewed for not getting good marks in the examinations. Those little fights between different sections transformed into disastrous quarrels
amongst groups within the class . Those small party times and treats that used to be the source of delightment were at their end,now students crave for festivals, concerts, fun trips and hanging out with their friends. It is true indeed that with the passage of time things were changed in one way or another.
Demands increased gradually . The sense of responsibility , the level of thinking and decision making were under process.
until one day I truly realized that it was the right time to do something for the welfare of my country, which was almost drowning and if not supported by an anchor would sink. I look forward towards any positive approach to provide stronghold to the undermined system of the nation, moreover any revolutionary step that could eliminate the negative elements as much as possible that were present in our society ; the root cause of the economic and social backwardness. I started to take keen interest in politics and several other issues related to it. Taking great interest in politics at a very little age is quiet rare, though I did not tried getting involved in it, the reason for it was that my parents opposed, they did not felt it was suitable for a girl of my age to take such risks especially when it is understood that only clever and witty people who know how to deal with the citizens by dominating over them fulfilling their own requirements and desires. It is true to some extent but it is not necessary that a person should have these features in order to rule the country and when God is with you no specie on this Earth could harm you, if your intentions are right he will surely help you and protect you.

    Almost every second day there was some bad incident happening due to increased terrorism including target killing, embezzlement, gunshots etc. The coverage that was displayed on the local news channels on the other side created eeriness all around. The country, which was founded in the light of Islamic ideology, was in the strong grip of corruption as well as brutality. Whatever it always had been behind the scenes, these types of intense scenarios were unbearable by an empathetic person whose heart usually beats “white and green”. All of this resulted in a strong feeling of immense hatred against the causative factors probably including the group of people who were responsible for it flowed from nerve to nerve, making me restless.

The rest of the day, I used to spend on thinking how to save my beloved country from drowning into the sea of ‘evilness’? How to solve the problem of regional differences, racialism, terrorism and extremism which were and which are presently eating the nation like a termite weakening its foundation.

  Life at school as well as at home was not pleasing. Whenever I returned home from school I did not knew what new ‘surprises’  were awaiting to welcome me? Whether this day would end up just like other days in useless quarrels or this day would contribute more worries? I had always been the “victim” of the apprehensiveness. Sometimes I wished I could spend the entire day at school because I was fed up of the disturbed environment of my house. Most of the time everyone seemed aggressive due to the issues actually created by their own.

Life was getting frustrated not knowing what to do? Where to start from to stop all those meaningless quarrels that usually ended up in disasters.

   School is a person’s second home. I felt much better there at least I got some ‘friends’ or you can say a group of people with whom I chitchatted in order to pass the time.

When we reached grade VII we had been shuffled unexpectedly. Most of my friends were separated due to this. We just had a chance to meet each other during recess, which was for about fifteen to twenty minutes. Half of the time was consumed in having lunch so very less time was left to have a conversation with each other.

The bond that somehow kept us united expectedly became unstable. “Communication is the lifeline of any relationship” it is correct up to some extent because when people stop communicating with each other it shows that they are trying to create distance in between and are less interested about you and your life . There is a quote regarding friendship, which states: “It does not matter if they do not communicate with each other daily, since love and sense of friendship is present in their hearts true friends won’t part”. After a short period, I realized that actually, they were not my true friends; if they were then they should have at least tried something to prove that the bond between us would not collapse and it will last forever regardless of all tough situations. One more time I was left alone when I badly needed someone’s company to divert my attention from the worries that were gathered up in my mind forming a cluster. It was another distressful moment of my life but I cannot deny, “Everything happens for a reason”. However, I was hopeless as being left alone but it took time for me to realize that it was one of the strategies for the beginning of a successful life. After, all of this I had been gifted with the most beautiful friends ever.

       The hardest thing was to keep your sorrows to yourself, not being able to utter a single word in front of anyone regarding this because you are afraid that you will break down and cry, on the other hand not all people are interested in your life so you cannot expect them to give you suggestions or help you in sorting out whatever the issue is. Words do not come easily as compared to tears and that is the case with most of us. Tears are the sign of the weakness according to the opinion of many people. The latest research is just the exact opposite of the commonly shared opinion, which states that those people who are emotionally strong usually cry. “Good things come to those who wait”. So sometimes God put his creatures in difficult situations to test their patience and how much faith they carry in their hearts.

I struggled hard with all my potential to push aside everything, every thought that kept on haunting my mind like a terrible ghost.

The following sets of beautiful words were the saviour of me, which I repeated constantly whenever I found myself in the hands of grief.

“If you face a problem,

             Do not curse it or rehearse it,

               Just handover to God and he will definitely reverse it”

             (SubhanAllah)

Moving on, I would like to mention that, there had been a group of girls formed in our class consisting those who were no doubt somehow good in academics but were less likely to have high moral standards (no offence meant here). Those girls whose behaviour was not adequate within the school’s premises and most probably outside the school’s premises as well. They tried to misbehave in front of the teachers so as to distract them while they were giving lectures. Playing mischievous tricks to grab the attention of other classmates was one of their kinds. According to them, they were habitual of doing all this to have ‘fun’ and to gain popularity amongst other groups that were formed in school. Of course it is not right to fully blame them for their unacceptable behaviour, after all it’s the duty of the parents and the other people surrounding them to pinpoint their mistakes and stop them from conducting wrong deeds. It is the first priority of the parents to teach their children and make them aware of what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’ for them. The most important thing of all is that they should correct their own mistakes before advising their own children to avoid such habits because they are the basic role models and if they will be having a strong character free of any malicious factors in between, their children will automatically be inspired and motivated by their way of living, will surely try to follow the right path one day .

      A person is not recognized by his/her looks or charms but what basically matters the most is the personality he/she possesses, in fact their personality, their attitude is their true identity.

It does not matter if a person secures the highest marks in examinations or if he/she wins a first prize in beauty contest etc. God has provided talent to each and everyone what he expects to see in his creatures is the way they react and treat others especially at that time when they have the fame and worldly powers. Only a single mistake during the upbringing can destroy the lives of the children. So, one should be careful enough to guide his/her children.

    Having fun is not something bad or ‘illegal’ which should be prohibited but one thing should be kept in mind that it differs from misbehaving ,making others to suffer because of your actions and playing with other person’s feelings by taking advantage of their kindness or their weakness. These things do no good other than ruining the overall impression and self-image of any person.

I never preferred to hang around those girls as I had mentioned before. The environment in which I had been brought up is quite different which did not permit me to sit along in their company. I chose to stay away from them as far as possible until one day I had been warmly invited by one of its member to join their group. At that particular moment,I simply did not responded to them, as I was clever enough to know that if once I would be the part of their group it would be too hard to return to my original self. The biggest reason for not joining them was that I did not liked to be identifies as the member of the most “misbehaving’ group of the class. They kept on insisting me , you might have heard this “Evil takes no time to take away the good with it”. These set of words scared me more than a beast. My conscience was not allowing me to accept their invitation, whereas my heart signalled me to try it. Unwillingly I joined their group, getting involved in their conversations made me realize that their lives were nothing more than a piece of crumpled paper lying on the floor. You might have noticed that once the paper is crumpled into a ball it can be smoothed out again with a few wrinkles still left. If we compare their lives with the crumpled paper we can conclude that they can be transformed into their original form, the personality they had before when they did not came across each other. They needed someone who could revolutionize their lifestyle by providing them with the guidance they had not received during their childhood by their elders due to any reason.

     I usually remained quiet when they were busy gossiping around, it looked rather awkward so I just used to think of something interesting to share with them but most of them listened me into a manner which clearly showed they were not interested in whatever I used to tell them. Our interests were contrasting , it simply did not mattered to me because I did not acted fake in front of people ,being confident enough on my ideas and perspectives.

After two weeks or so, a quarrel started between one of my friend and the other group members. The time which I was waiting for so eagerly, finally arrived. It provided me with a nice chance to withdraw from their group as I was on my friend’s side; I took a deep sigh of relief. Grade VIII and IX were fascinating unlike other grades. After my friend and I were separated from that group, we made our own for the meantime. These two years were amazing as I spend most of the time with my new friends. Everything seemed to be going well but still at some point of life I realized that my heart was still aching for a friend who could be there with me for a lifetime , who could treat me in a way that I am the only one , to whom I  can show up my craziest side without any hesitation.

   Last year of school had arrived. Yes! Last year though it was hard for me to believe. Time flew so rapidly. Now it was time for the little shy girl to come out of her cocoon.

I have spent almost nine years doing nothing, nothing helpful, nothing worthy to remember, nothing extraordinary or beneficial for the mankind, except for chasing the attention (which was not freely provided), most of the time had been spent on anxiety of losing so called ‘friends’, faking smiles, crying over the failure and the rude attitude of the people towards me even though I never wanted anything bad happening to them, never held any grudges.

Over thinking on how to overthrow the rule of evilness dominating over the world. After sometime, I realized that it was of no use until and unless I prepare up myself to take any possible step against the several atrocities. For this, I had planned enough that year unlike other years.

    You must have noticed that the caterpillar wraps itself in a cocoon for its protection and when it emerges out of its cocoon, transforming into a two beautifully winged insect that unfold its wings soon after its formation, outspreading its magnificent and vibrant colours . It seems to be more beautiful than before if compared to its life in cocoon. The way it hovers upon the flowerbeds, it is the freedom that allows it to do so, to show how beautiful it is. The nectar it sucks from the flowers is the main purpose of its creation. Not all this was possible if it remained in its cocoon. It requires some time for the development of every specie and when the right moment arrives, each of them has the chance to let their colours burst out.

Courage is what is needed to let you escape from the land of darkness onto the skies filled with tremendously shining stars.

     In the beginning of grade X, I came to know that my intentions got the opportunity to be successful. Things were now able to proceed in the right direction.

 A new sense of everlasting hope opened its door to welcome me in the “World of Treasure”. Not the treasure which includes precious gems/stones or other jewels, but something more worthy other than all of the things mentioned above. What could it be? A beautiful valley of big luxurious houses? No, no it cannot be! It is just for limited happiness. Then what else could it be? A palace where you are the king sitting on a beautifully designed throne studded with gold and precious stones, ordering your slaves to follow your commands. No! Not a palace or a kingdom either. All these things fall under the category of luxury or for the privileged group of people who find happiness in being wealthy and powerful.

 I think I have questioned your mind enough to guess the answer of this riddle. “The World of Treasure” I was talking about before actually consisted of beautiful, cheerful and lively souls you call as your friends. Yes! Friends are the genuine treasure to be cherished, not only in the times of need but every time no matter if, you are with them or not. The radiating shine they carry cannot be easily diminished. The most amazing thing is that its brightness increases when they make their companions happy and put a smile on their face just by their presence in times of sorrow and pain. Their presence is enough for your mind to be relaxed, to dry up your moistened eyes and heal your wounds. They make you feel better by making you realize that someone is there with you who are willing to understand you better than your own selves. Who have the ability to make you forget about almost everything that keeps on bothering you by involving you in their funny conversations.

I had eventually developed good friendly relationship with two of my classmates, Rida and Ridah. Nice girls I should say. Though their friends’ circle was not big enough but still I enjoyed being in their company.

      A miracle it was! When fate brings people together no power can drift them apart from each other than the will of God Almighty(of course he is our creator and he is the best decision maker and knows what is good for us and what is not, “the most powerful and the most merciful”). At the start, I was a little bit confused as I was not sure whether to trust them or not, just because I had faced the undesirable situations in the past when my friends got separated without leaving any mark of their existence . They did not even bother to handover a note containing the reason for which they could no longer continue their friendship with me.

  I fulfilled my responsibility and tried every possible method for the reunion, now it was their fault that they did not responded accordingly as I expected.

Something was different in both of those new girls whom I have accepted as my friends. I remember the very first time I came to know about Rida was during the practical class. We were in the laboratory performing our practical. My subject teacher asked me to join Rida’s group as I was the only girl left to be paired up. I did so the way I was instructed.

She was a bit clumsy type of girl. While trying to carry the china dish with the help of a pair of tongs, she split the boiling water that was filled in china dish all over the table on which we were performing our task. Thanks to God that she was safe. Her expressions at that particular moment seemed vague, an embarrassed look with a slight concern added to it. Everyone’s eyed darted upon the mess that was created not that much big actually, but people have a bad habit of reacting as if some disaster has taken place to grab the attention of the people nearby. However, I helped her by replacing the apparatus on its position that was scattered on the table. As soon as the bell rang, student headed towards the class. I could not take my mind off the happening in the laboratory, it seemed quite awkward.

When the day got over, I told one of my friends about this scenario rather exaggerating it and she found it quite funny. Gossiping around like this was not and can never be one of my kinds because from the beginning I was wrapped up in a cocoon not allowing myself to socialize with people. Let me remind you that gossiping is also a part of socializing even though it is not recognized as ethical. I still feel shameful for doing so, I should not have told anyone about this to those who were not present at that moment. After all, every person has some flaws and weak points so it’s not a good idea to pinpoint them in front of people.

After a day or so Rida asked me whether I was the girl who told about it, not knowing what to say I apologized immediately.

             I started to feel something new and exciting in each day as it passed. Every single day had been unpredictable carrying lots and lots of fun, surprises and at the top most a sense of real happiness that I have been badly seeking for in the past. When I was there with my friends I usually forgot all of my worries. That awkward feeling of being alone, even when I was there gossiping with my friends, completely submerged, as I found myself being accompanied by four beautiful souls which not only cheered me up but made me realized that I was no more alone like before.

             I let myself to come out of the cocoon in order to make my self visible in front of the people surrounding me who were not fully aware of my abilities.

To be honest, I do not know which deed of her or which trait of her personality became the reason for my extra-kind behaviour towards her. All I know is that she deserved it whatever I was trying to give her. The inner peace and happiness I used to receive by making her feel special is what seemed precious to me (though she did not realized at that time). Dedicating poems to her (self-written) and giving small surprises became the part of my friendship with her. Moreover, the pure love I tried to render her is simply inexplicable. Seeing someone’s face being light up by a beautiful smile is pleasing and when you come to know that you are the reason for it, what could be more worthy other than making them happy in many different ways?

I have always desired to see happy faces of people surrounding me. I want to see shine in their eyes instead of tears, in fact, I want them to realize that they are worthy of attention, care etc just because every single specie in this world is precious and advantageous in its own way, nothing is useless and hence everyone deserves something better. No person is flawless and what makes them human. Since, they are creatures of God Almighty they all are unique and deserving. During practical few of my classmates, taking great advantage of my innocence passed on a remark that really hurt me deep inside. Without responding to them I ignored them as always although I wanted to say many things to them who tried bullying me using different tactics and most probably wanted others to know about my weaknesses. I could have spoken too much so as to support my own selves but I did not liked doing so because it is better to remain quiet  when you are angry to prevent inappropriate, sharp lethal words to come out that might turn out to be offensive.

It did not happened only once, but they kept on passing remarks more often and I was tired of all this.

One day when my classmates again tried to pass on a remark to me , to my utter surprise , the girl who I did not expected that she would take my side broke the silence which filled the room, and said something which made the girls seemed tongue-tied at the instant . I was feeling relaxed from inside that after all, there is someone who is willing to comprehend my situation and trying to help me . The girl I am talking about was Rida (presently my best companion). She asked me later the reason for my silence when others are making fun of me , I did not said anything much in response even though my feelings prompted me to do something in order to protect my self from their meaningless remarks. Since that day till now she is there by my side, always there for me whenever I feel the need of having any sort of help regarding these issues or anything else.

Things started to get better than before. I felt much more comfortable , obviously that I have got a supportive friend acting like a pillar holding me in place not letting me to stagger down due to people’s comments. I cannot even imagine that I would be strongly protected by a person, the one who I did not knew about very much. The one I thought was ordinary like other girls who do not bother getting themselves involved in such situations not even for the sake of others especially when they do not have any contact with others. It did not took a second or two and I got my views changed about this girl what I thought of her in the beginning was just the exact opposite what she turned out to be. She is unlike others, if compared to those I have met since I was a child. I do not mean that she is an alien from a different planet but her soft nature; attitude is what makes her different from the rest of the people.

Since years, I have been craving for a friend who could make me smile before a tear rolled down my cheek, give full assurance that I am not alone.
Small events and moments filled with tear and laughter connected us with each other. Almost half of the year had been spent and with it the bond between us became much stronger than before. The fun I had missed in the past was knocking on the door of my life and I had allowed its entrance inside my life merrily. Those endless conversations yet they were sometimes ludicrous are unforgettable. Eating and sharing snacks with each other increased the love between us; the best of all I remember is that there used to be a girl in our group who was always feeling hungry and always demanded to give her something to eat or drink. I used to give her my chips and other snacks before recess and in one bite she used to gulp down the eatables that would take me more than twenty minutes to finish all of it. It was always fun to distribute snacks like this to my friends.

One more thing that I would really like to share with you people is that my handwriting was not legible , only I was able to understand what I have written , so my teacher most of the time scolded me to improve it  and make the work more presentable . When she asked me what I had written in my notebook, I used to give it a quizzical look and my friends started to laugh which made me laugh even harder inside my heart. I never submitted my work with proper headings and in an organized manner which made my teachers a bit angry. I tried to improve my handwriting which was getting slanting day by day, to me it looked nice but to others it seemed like a mess. As I had discussed before about my rebellious nature, maybe it is one of the reason for my unorganized work unlike others.

We were playing volleyball in our sports period as usual. I was standing in the middle; I slightly turned my head to the other side for some reason, then suddenly a ball came towards me from the opposing team and hit my head. Though it did not hurt me badly but a sudden form of anger erupted in me. Enough is enough! I could no longer tolerate their ill-mannered behaviour without any certain reason. They had deliberately done so to see my reaction, and it was a childish act in my opinion. Not having control on my anger I warned them that if they will try to do something like this again then they would be in trouble. They started mimicking me but I ignored them to my fullest. When we reached our class, they started to make fun of what I have said to them as a warning. When my classmates saw Rida was there supporting me it had been a great hectic for them. For a short period, they remained silent, I thought that they might have understood the situation and will try no more tricks to upset me.

I was wrong, it was only a misunderstanding. People do not quit conducting wrong deeds until and unless God teaches them a lesson by making them pass through the similar situation they create to make others suffer.

Elections=>Elections were about to be held as always in our school. The event which the tenth graders were keenly waiting for. Almost all of my friends were ready to participate in it standing for different posts ,they suggested that I should stand for the post of Urdu secretary .Although I knew I was not too famous as compared to others but not worrying about it much I finally decided to handover my manifesto to the responsible management. The day arrived at last which everyone was waiting for impatiently; names of candidates which had been selected as candidates for the upcoming elections were placed on the board .A sudden chill filled with happiness ran down my spine as I saw my name appeared on the list. Campaigns were started after a day or so soon after the selection a fun filled activity it was !We used to consume extra periods in designing badges ,posters , pana flexes etc. All the three sections of grade X used to mix up together each one of them performing their assigned tasks .making badges , gossiping and preparing for the speech.

The day came when we finally delivered our speech in front of the students and teachers. Election day came and students voted enthusiastically, results were announced after a day and to my surprise I lost. When we returned back to our class my class mates started passing offensive comments that I should not have stood up for this post as I did not deserved it. Mostly gowns were taken by our class students and a council was made. Whatever it was it was not my fault that I had lost and did not gained enough votes , after all winning and losing is a part of everyone’s life and it is not in our hands , it does not mean that you have to point the finger towards a specific person and blame him/her for losing. A girl who was supposed to be standing on the post of Urdu secretary from our class but unfortunately did not due to some reason indirectly said that it was my fault if I had not been standing then our class would have been able to gain one more gown . I could not bear it any more , already I was upset from the result and hearing these type of offensive comments from people made me even more upset.

Only 4 of my friends were there by my side in support of me, the most astonishing sight was that few of my friends who claimed to be my best friends forever did not dared to utter a single word for my support, their silence clearly showed that they were not interested in whatever was going on in the class to me this attitude was quite mean. Of course how they could have done so when they themselves were part of the council which means that if they would have spoken in favour of me then everyone would start yelling on them .That’s life! You are unable to speak the truth when you know it is risky and might affect your life ,so you choose the majority side even when they are not right.

Suddenly I broke out in front of everyone tears started to flow as usual ,I could not believe myself that I was too enfeebled to speak and let it all out .seeing those smiling faces created a burning sensation throughout my body ,yeah those who had started the fuss were now smiling and joking around throwing tantrums at me . it made me feel that everything that had happened was just useless and I was there shaking with fury ,the day ended like every other day ,students packed up their bags as usual and ran towards the ground where we have to gather as soon as the bell rings. Everything seemed to be normal it did not affected them a little bit ,a feeling of shame on their faces what i expected but my expectations proved me wrong when I saw them chit chatting with their friends telling exaggerated stories of the scenario .a source of entertainment it was for them at least they go he hot topic to discuss in their free time .

No outcome came, gradually the hot topic ended ,no not exactly until they prepared themselves for another one.

Things seemed to be cooled down for a moment .Life gifted me a chance to spend my time carefree without any sort of worries ,and enjoy each moment to its fullest. Last year had been made pretty much amazing by my friends, I started to enjoy in school like never before. Finally i got a chance to live my life according to the way i had always wanted .

In our group I used to be one of the most emotional yet funny type of girl .Though my interests were unlikely to match from my friends ,fortunately I got to know that Rida one of my friend possessed great interest in poetry .She used to share her self written poems all of them were quiet appreciable I must say .Its not that I did not admired the rest of my friends but something special was there in her personality that captivated me towards her ,whenever I saw her I saw my success instead of my failures .I knew she had been living a different life and so I could not easily get along with her it might take some time to understand her .I treated her unlike the rest ,most of the times me myself got surprised that how can I treat someone so specially when my trust had been completely crushed by my previous friends .Its a fact that people are meant to cross your path for a reason .Its definitely true and I welcomed her in my life for that very reason to give it a new shape ,to put back the shattered pieces that were responsible for obstructing the paths of my success and achievements.

Life is not like what it had been before .It surely has changed in a number of ways .I wonder how these small surprises and warmth -filled conversations can win a persons heart. How a person can bring about the brighter side of you that is sealed by certain dangers and furies for so long ?The most surprising part is that you are ready to serve in fact you are ready to give anything even though its your most precious belongings to that person just to see a beautiful smile on their face like never before .The best feeling you get after providing them by making use of your abilities it can be anything your inner talent etc. is worth everything else in the world. Some things are provided free but still its hard for some people to avail them or accept them maybe because of the guilt that haunts them not allowing their heart to accept it because of the past they had. They think they do not deserve it just because nobody had ever done so much for them and they are not worthy of it. The truth is that nobody had ever rendered this much to them because they had never been able to understand them, they had never tried to reach out for their soul ,and find the hidden beauty that is trapped inside which is craving for people to treat it in a manner which is filled with care and tenderness ,moreover when somebody tries to prove them wrong by making them feel special in everyway regardless of knowing all their flaws they try to let go of that person because in their opinion this cannot be the reality and would soon fade away as always. Even though its not their fault that they are reluctant to take this decision but obviously of the people who almost failed to understand them but whatever it is it is one of the biggest mistake they are heading towards .Butterflies can’t see how beautiful they are but others can, similar is the case with people they do not realize their true colours and beauty.

They think that they do not possess a soft side or a quality to be praised and it is impossible as God has made everyone equally a mixture of good and evil. A person can never be fully bad or good. “If you can’t see their brighter side then polish their dull one” . Most of the people love each other because of their possessions or belongings or either they have something to give them which is totally out of the definition of love which states that it needs no reason. Its amazing once you get attached to a person every other person seems like an option , you cannot think yourself , your future without them because they were the ones who protected you during bad times.

The way they cherished you enabled you to become what you have not been before and craving for so long. The worst of all when you test yourself to create a distance in between you fail so badly that it turns out to be the worst failure ever. The more you fight with them the more you get the chance to be close to them. You are unable to spend a single day without teasing them or being teased by them.

Hence all you know is that since they are written in your fate you have to give them your best , show them that this world isn’t cruel and is not ended but some people are still existing to make their life amazing in every way filled with surprises, achievements etc.

 I planned to give her the surprise as school was nearly going to end. A small note with my childhood picture framed beautifully as a part of sweet memory. We had only spent one year together but the memories we have gathered seems to be the collection of many years.

I would like to share the poem which I had dedicated to her;

Quite different from others my friend seems real

One thing you cannot expect from her is betrayal

Though she passes from tough times but still wears a smile so sublime

Her attitude represents her sweet nature

I feel lucky to be a friend with such beautiful creature

Always keen to help others that’s what makes her so unique;

May God bless her throughout her life and make her the reason for which others will survive.

She is like a sister to me , and promised that she would never leave me no matter what the situation is . She at first tried to drift me away from her because she was afraid that if she would leave me I would get hurt and she never wanted to do so and let be the reason of someone else’s tears but afterwards she realized that now it was hard and I would not leave her since I was truly attached to her. I could not believe my eyes that I would finally have such a firm and sincere relation with any of my friends. She encouraged me and I liked it , I knew she was talented and want her to give the chance to show her talent to the public. For this , I requested her to start a blog with a collection of her poems . She agreed to my surprise, I kept on instructing her whenever she wanted to know something . We decided to write a book together and publish it online. During all this , I got to know that she was dedicating in her work and was not like what I thought of her previously , sitting quietly during project works not interested in doing the tasks. Then I came to know that love can change so many things in a person and bring out their hidden side. It enables a person to perform those tasks which he/she thinks they can never do in their life, but once they are encouraged , a strong hope develops in them urging them to do those things which they thought were risky or required great effort.

Strange it is. How can a certain person enters your life as a miracle and perhaps changes it in a number of ways. When you start opening up yourself to them you wonder where all these thoughts and emotions were trapped before in your soul? Then after sometime you realize that all these emotions and thoughts were awaiting a certain person to arrive to whom they can comfortably open up to .Before this specific person's entrance in your life, you had tried your best to give whatever you can to the people surrounding you and at the same time do things for them for your as well for their happiness. Some of them just appreciated your deeds, some of them accepted it and took it for granted and some of them unable to realize completely ignored you neither appreciating nor accepting. These type of reactions from people hindered your success in one way or another, but when you gave something with all your heart to that specific person not only you were encouraged and appreciated you come across the secret phenomena of a successful life i.e. Give more than you take”. An unusual form of happiness covered your soul each time you see a smile on that persons face and when you know you are the reason for it you continue to render them with anything that can make them feel special and blessed. The time comes when your only motto is to give. Whenever you tried to keep distance from them you face complete failure .The more you tried to go away from them the more they seem to be coming near to you. Whenever you get angry or upset because of them you cannot complain to them cause you were the one who in spite of  knowing all the differences   chose them over others just because there was something present in them. something unique which differ them from others. A slight change in their behaviour affects you because you never expected them to react like this maybe you are too busy in loving them you cannot even think of their other side. When you sometimes get angry and that person asks you the reason you comfort them with giving them false ones .The truth you just cant split out from your mouth cause you know if you do it will bring unstoppable tears in their eyes which you cannot see. The truth is so powerful it will break them in to pieces and once they get to know they can never ever let you go..

Yes! That is what I concluded after she entered my life as a blessing. A real friend I was searching for so long . During, that one year I was able to fulfil my desire of writing . I wrote a number of poems and scripts for my book. I shared my ideas with her and asked about her suggestions regarding this , she was always ready to share her opinions and told me that one day I will be truly successful. We worked in pair giving respect to each other’s ideas . Hence, I looked forwards towards another accomplishment and trust me all this was not possible if I have not been supported and encouraged by her . Though, I was not that much good in writing and to my surprise ,words started to spill in my mind like water dripping from tap and I ended up writing much easily without facing any difficulty. The reason for it was my enthusiasm and Great Spirit of achieving success . Never knew writing would become my profession as it just seemed like an interest .

Some pieces of her poetry

“Strong”

Crimson red are her cheeks, shiny like diamonds are those eyes

shining with imperfection and undefeatable determination

she is a furious lioness ,a deadly fire pure like a holy book ,mysterious like a maze;

although she stands alone her one prayer is enough to shake the skies,

Heaven beneath her foot , uncountable responsibilities upon those shoulders

strong and hard as a rock; silent as the storm

Played like a chess game ,used like a paper

as deep as an ocean the heart holds secrets;

Whatever she goes through, a woman remains strong

“Memories”

As I stare into the fire and watch it dance

All the memories start rushing through my head

Tears flow down my cheeks

And it flashes back to the time

When you were with me;

You had wiped the tears off my face

And your shoulders had provided me support

can’t believe it is all lost now

And all I am left with

Is just a memory of you and me together.

“You and your expectations”

I try to be what you expect me to be

Give every effort ,give away every tiny piece of me

Drained my strength out on you, didn't even left any of it

Still I can't stand up to your expectations

I am always there to let you down, I am always there to disappoint you out

Now that I stand back and watch it all

I find that you were the one who failed me

I stood there praying that the ground won't fall through

Aced all your tests with all my strength

Still I am just not good enough

All I want you to do is

Stand back and watch me for a while

Watch as I write this down ,Watch as I hold

back all those tears

Feel the pain my heart is feeling, Feel it all

and then tell me

Tell me why you never understand, Tell me why

I failed those tests that you put me through

Cause I tried my best to be what you expect me to be

Give every effort and give away every tiny piece of me

Still I'll never be what you’ve expected me to be

I have shared some part of poetry hope you like it. Now in the end I would like to dedicate her one more poem that  I had written with all my heart;

All I want you is to know...

I had cried before those meaningless tears

I had smiled before, that reluctant smile

I had cared before that turned out to be useless

I had dared before, but every time I had done so ,I fell on the ground

I had lived my life before just to keep myself alive

I lost, I broke, in the arms of despair I usually woke

Everything around me seemed to be an illusion

Trapped up in the world of deceiving faces I backed up in confusion

I dreamt of an ocean of love found myself flowing in the river of hate

I had cherished my beloved ones forgot to take care of my own

A clear rejection and a strong feeling of dismal is what I got as a result;

But all I want you is to know that being in your company has changed it so

Now I cry those tears are meaningful;

Now when I smile it is the brightest one that enlightens up my soul

Now I care for you more than I have cared for myself providing satisfaction to the heart

Now I dare fighting against the upcoming fear

Cause I know whatever it is you will always be there on my side

Now I exist rather than just live

The only thing I find pleasure in is to give

Before I had never considered someone so special until I met you and gave you the biggest place in my heart

Now everything seems better than before those flowers that have been withered out are blooming with joy and a new hope

Now I do not need to dream of an ocean of love cause you have rendered to me quite plentiful..

Points to ponder=>

·       It does not cost much to love anyone more than you love yourself.

·       A person cannot be fully good or completely bad.

·       It takes time for the two people to understand each other and when they do so no worldly power can break them apart than the will of God.

·       True friends are those who help you and share the moments of grief with you when everyone is busy in rejoicing.

·       You don not realize your actual worth until you end up giving something precious to someone and that person is afraid to lose you

·       If you will not try you will never succeed, similarly if you will not love your own existence you can never love anyone.

·       You spend your life with worthless people and when the right ones arrive you have too little time to spend with them

·       One door of life never closes without opening another door of success.

·       Sometimes while trying to prove someone wrong and making them realize their worth and importance you have to take every possible step no matter how risky it can be for you, To defy them you must continue to what you are headed towards.

·         When you love someone more than yourself you get two things in return either a person for life or a lesson for life.